What are you made of?

If you've read my blogs last year you know that 2010 was not the best of my years. Many things  have happened. Things that brought me to the ground, yes, I literally mean to the ground, flat, broken, hurt, so powerless for even lift my own head for a long while. My heart was broken into tiny pieces over and over again by differrent people in a period of 6 months. Broken by people I believed were friends; by people I thought would be here for the long haul; broken by the closest of the family I thought I had and by someone I had deep feelings for. I've realized that I'm not as wise as I thought I was. That even at almost 50 I am still a mere student on this process we call life. I realized that I was still making the same mistakes of putting my trust and love into people who didn't know what to do with it. Making them a priority in my life when I was not more than an option in theirs.

I love people, always did. The thought that good ones are, sometimes, around, gives me hope and persistence on keeping on looking and trusting that I'll find them and add to the ones who are already here. For every new person I meet, I give them the benefit of a fresh start; no grudges from previous experiences; no past memories are allowed to taint this new possible kindred soul; they are given a clean blank slate to start  fresh; there are no comparisons or expectations of disillusions or disappointments.

Some might say that's where I'm wrong. And I do understand their point. However, I think if I get into a new relationship, either be a friendship or romantic, with a bucket full of past experiences, memories, disappointments and mistakes made by myself and others, I am jeopardizing this new relationship from the beginning. I will be expecting them, and me, to fail. I am not in any moment saying that we shouldn't pay attention to signs and keep past experiences as lessons to be remembered, but assuming we know what is going to happen and to bring those past experiences into a new relationship  might be the bigger mistake yet.

Anyhow, with all that has happened, I kept trying to get up, only to have the next person come and smash the pieces I had just put back together right back into the ground, to a point I chose to withdrawn myself from people as a defense. I needed time to heal the pain and put the pieces left back together, let the wound heal and allow me to move forward.

I know it'll never be the same, I can see the scars and the shape of my heart is forever changed. Lost friends and loved ones still can be met and greeted, they are somehow still loved, maybe more for the memories of them than for themselves, but the trust is forever gone.

I am a gardener, a beginner at it, but non or less a gardener. It relaxes my mind and helps me focus on something pleasant. I can feel the energy and power of the dirt between my fingers, the evolution of a simple seed into an exquisite flower always fascinated me. This simple hobby has taught me tales of transformation, caring, possibilities, planning, attention to details and it's something I can dive into with all my passion. If I do all things right I will have, without a doubt, a beautiful garden (or potted flowers in my case). Well on dealing with my flowers I've learned that, in many cases, in order to flourish stronger, a flower has to have few twigs cut, old flowers removed, the soil has to be fertilized and watered - not too much, not too little, with balance - some drastic measures are also required sometimes, such as ripping them from the solid ground, splitting it into parts to allow it to grow stronger, multiply  and became even more stronger and more beautiful.  

On practicing this little hobby, away from most of the people I knew, in the silence of my little garden, listening to my favorite songs, alone with my thoughts and imerged in a spirit of reflection, I re-discovered myself. Like a morning glory reaches out, stretching for the first rays of sun, I can see my twigs stretching out and reaching out of myself.

As I sit here on the deck, enjoying the birth of yet another brand new day, sipping my coffee, looking over this magnificent ocean that far away meets with the blue skies on the horizon, feeling the sun warming up my body, I see a hawk hovering over the beach, hunting for her breakfast, and I wonder for a second if it's the same one who comes at the end of fall to sit on my deck once in a while, birds singing greeting the world and a gentle breeze - which maybe a preface to fall - coming to murmur "good morning" in my ears.

While my heart is completely submerse in the simplicity of this moment, a quote I've read a while back  comes to mind  -“A hard fall means a high bounce…if you’re made of the right material.” and I realize that, after all I am made of the right material, and I am bouncing high!

Life's simple now, but oh, so good, and I am ready to start it over.

Have a Happy Wednesday!                                         

 

Noemi Cardoso 08/24/2011